You Know You’ve Been Out of College Too Long When…

 ~ Your potted plants stay alive. 

~ 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 

~ You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work. 

~ You carry an umbrella.  

~ Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.” 

~ You’re the one calling the police because those kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo. 

~ You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 

~ Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 

~ Sleeping on the couch is a no-no. 

~ You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m. 

~ You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. 

~ Grocery lists have more on them than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho’s. 

~ Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

 

 One Way Into Heaven

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class. 

“NO!” the children all answered. 

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” 

Again, the answer was, “NO!” 

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again. 

Again, they all answered, “NO!” 

“Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?” 

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

 

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). 

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine to include this closing. 

My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?” 

“Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying ‘All Men!'”

 

 A man appeared at the church office door and announced, “I’m the piano tuner.” 

“I didn’t call for a tuner,” the church secretary said. 

“I know, lady,” the man said. “Your neighbor did.”

 

 My Appetite Is My Shepherd (Pound 23)

 My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.

It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.

It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.

It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.

It destroyeth my shape.

Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating

For the food tasteth so good.

The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.

When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me

For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.

As I filleth my plate continuously,

My clothes runneth smaller.

Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life

And I shall be “pleasingly plump” forever.

 

Word To The Wise: 

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.

 

 

 

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