Word to the Wise:
“Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.”

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A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, “Dad, how high can you count?”

The father replied, “Well, I don’t know, son — how high can you count?”

The son immediately replied, “One thousand, five hundred, forty-two.”

The father said, “Why did you stop?”

The son shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, church was over.”

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His Own Medicine

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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“It’s not atheism, agnosticism, or humanism, PAtrick — our true enemy is golf.”

 

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Communication
A wife asks her husband, “Please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had avocados.”

If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again. Men will get it the first time.

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“Here’s the state-of-the-art gymnasium, here’s the coffee bar and internet cafe… oh yeah, — and this little thing over here is the new sanctuary.”

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question: “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know … Our Father, who does art in Heaven.”

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A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

“What’s the matter?” he was asked.

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me.  She was talking to my surgeon!”

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YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN A SMALL COUNTRY CHURCH WHEN…

~ People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

~ People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

~ The preacher says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” and five guys stand up.

~ Opening day of hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.

~ A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because: “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of!”

~ Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

~ The choir group is known as the “O.K. Chorale.”

~ The pastor wears boots.

~ Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

~ There is no such thing as a “secret” sin.

~ There’s a special fundraiser for a new septic tank.

~ Finding and returning lost sheep isn’t just a parable.

~ High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

~ The final words of the benediction are, “Ya’ll come back now, ya hear.”

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