“If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.”

* * * * * * *

The End of the Road

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’!”

* * * * * * *

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, at the end of the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” the minister said impatiently. “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular.

* * * * * * *

6. smilespica
“Besides calling every Sunday ‘Easter,’ does anyone else have ideas for improving church attendance?”

* * * * * * *

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for way back in 2001.”

“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.

“No,” he replies, “a 2001 Cadillac.”

* * * * * * *

First guy: “I’m really in the doghouse. I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask.”

Second guy: “What kind of question?”

First guy: “She asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”

Second guy: “That’s easy. You just say, ‘Of course I will.'”

First guy: “Yeah, that’s what I meant to say.  But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.'”

* * * * * * *

"So you're claiming your car was raptured and you were left behind?"
“So you’re claiming your car was raptured and you were left behind?”

* * * * * * *

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town’s annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

* * * * * * *

GRANDPARENTS – as defined by children 

~ Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people’s.

~ A grandfather is a man grandmother.

~ Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

~ They don’t say, “Hurry up.”

~ Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

~ They wear glasses and funny underwear.

~ Grandparents don’t have to be smart.

~ Everybody should try to have a grandmother because she is the only grown-up who likes to spend time with us.

~ They know we should have snack-time before bedtime.

~ They kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

* * * * * * *

6. smilespicc
Unable to afford to repair the organ, the First Church tries an all-kazoo praise band.

 

 

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