Word To The Wise:

~One nice thing about being over the hill is that you begin to pick up speed.

____________________________________________________________________

 

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium.

He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him,” said the visitor. “What did he write?”

“A check,” replied the guide.

 Picture 1_0001 edited

“That’s what I said. I downloaded them from the cloud.”

 

* * * * * * *

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up to heaven, he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking space suddenly appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, Lord. I found one.”

 

* * * * * * *

As long as there have been farmers, there has been the dilemma of whether to be in church on Sunday or to make hay while the sun shines.

Like the farmer who spent Sunday morning trying to get hay in ahead of the rain. As he came down the road with a full load, he met the preacher, who looked at him reproachfully.

“Reverend,” the farmer explained, “It’s better to be sitting on this hay thinking about God than sitting in church thinking about hay.”

 

Picture 3_0001 edited

“It says on your resume that you were created in God’s image.  Very impressive.”

 

* * * * * * *

An English teacher rolled through a stop sign and was pulled over by a police officer — a former student!

“Ms. Brown,” he said, “those stop signs are periods, not commas.”

 

* * * * * * *

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. “I’d like a little brother,” the boy said.

“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”

“Well,” said the boy, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”

 

* * * * * * *

A man was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was his turn.

He rolled the dice and he landed on Science & Nature.

His question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

He thought for a time and then asked, “Is the vacuum on or off?”

 Picture 2_0001 edited

“Rover, your gift test indicates you’d do best at fetching and sitting at my feet, but our family needs someone to sit on the branches and sing.  Do you think you could handle that?”

 

* * * * * * *

It was one of those weird coincidences that occur maybe once in a thousand years. That afternoon there converged on the neighborhood grocery store some 28 husbands, each of whom had been sent out by their wives with very specific instructions as to what they should buy.

In a further stretch of the laws of probability, each of those men had assured their mates that they were perfectly capable of remembering the items needed without the childish crutch of written instructions.

Picture the scene: more than two dozen adult males wandering the store aisles with glazed-over eyes. The atmosphere in the grocery store was, well, there is only one word for it – listless.

 

Similar Articles

Leave a Reply