The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
MY HOUSEWORK PHILOSOPHY
- I don’t do windows because I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
- I don’t wax floors because I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I’ll feel terrible, and they may sue me.
- I don’t mind the dust bunnies because they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
- I don’t disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own.
- I don’t spring clean because I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.
- I don’t pull weeds in the garden because I don’t want to get rid of the only green I’ve got.
- I don’t put things away because my husband will never be able to find them again.
- I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
- I don’t iron because I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press.”
- I don’t stress much on anything because “A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ person!
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
“I’m so tough,” said the first boy, “that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week.”
“Well,” said the second little boy, “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day.”
“That’s nothing,” said the third boy. “When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear both of them out in just one hour.”
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors’ special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you $2.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.
“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously. “Then I’ll take the special.”
“How do you want your eggs?”
“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
One evening, just as the children were getting ready for bed, Tim’s mother heard him screaming at the top of his lungs.
She quickly ran into his bedroom and found his two-year-old sister pulling his hair. She gently pulled his hair from the little girl’s grip and said comfortingly to Tim, “There, there. She didn’t mean it. She doesn’t understand that hurts.”
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she said, “What happened?” Tim looked at his mom and said, “She knows now!”
“WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!” the customer yelled after calling the newspaper office.
“Madam,” said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY.”
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, “Well, that explains why no one was at church either.”
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
“Well,” he said, “it’s three weeks long.”
“What else?” I asked.
“The first week they separate the men from the boys,” he said.
“The second week, they separate the men from the fools.”
“And the third week?” I asked.
“The third week, the fools jump.”
A doctor calls his patient and says, “The check you gave me for my bill came back.”
The patient replied, “So did my arthritis!”