Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40.

—–

A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time. While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness, and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “Then why is the groom wearing black?”

—–

—–

Shortly after tying the knot, a young married couple started arguing over who should make the coffee. Being a good Christian woman, the wife went to the scriptures for her answer. She said that the Bible specifically stated that men should be the ones to make the coffee.

Puzzled, the husband asked her where in the Bible it said that. Very confidently, the wife opened up her Bible and said: “It’s right here—HEBREWS.”

—–

Store owner: “Thank you for your patronage. I wish I had 20 customers like you.”

Customer: “Wow, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised. You know that I argue every bill and always pay late.”

Store owner: “I’d still like 20 customers like you. The problem is, I have 200.”

—–

“I told you, you typed the wrong directions in for the church!”

—–

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a town he planned to visit on his holiday.

He wrote: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved. Would you permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: “Sir, I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

—–

TOP TEN PICKUP LINES USED BY ADAM

10. “You know you’re the only one for me!”

9. “Do you come here often?”

8. “Trust me, this was meant to be!”

7. “Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!”

6. “I already feel like you’re a part of me!”

5. “Honey, you were made for me!”

4. “Why don’t you come over to my place and we can name some animals?”

3. “You’re the girl of my dreams!” (Gen. 2:21)

2. “I like a girl who doesn’t mind being ribbed!”

1. “You’re the apple of my eye!”

—–

“No. Jimmy, when the Bible says the disciples followed Jesus… it’s not talking about Twitter.”

—–

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: “You do not want to try these techniques at home!”

“Why not?” asked a man from the audience.

“After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife’s routine at breakfast,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets; often, she carried just a single item at a time. So I asked her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once? It’d be much more efficient.'”

“Well, did your suggestions save much time?” the attendee asked.

“Actually, yes,” the efficiency expert responded. “It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”

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