Word To The Wise

” A pessimist is someone who, when opportunity knocks, complains about the noise.”


A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill-up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said, “Now that’s what I call faith!”


“Okay, come at me like you don’t plan to tithe.”


A Quaker farmer was milking his cow when she switched him in the face with her tail.

He patiently said, “Cow, thou shalt not do that.”

He kept milking until she kicked and sent the half-filled milk pail tumbling across the barn, spilling and ruining the milk.

The farmer went around to face the cow and took her horns in his big, calloused hands. He looked at her and said, “Cow, thou knowest that I am a Quaker and that I cannot strike thee. But cow, thou also must know that I can sell thee to a Baptist.”


On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because II Corinthians 9:7 says that “God loves a cheerful giver.”

As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing.

The boy replied, “The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!”


Church Mice


A child comes home from his first day at school.

His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”


A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

“So, what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.

“I am a biblical scholar,” he replied.

“A biblical scholar, hmmm?” the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?”

“I will study,” the young man replied, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé.

The conversation continued like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, honey?”

The father answered, “He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I’m God.”


“… and thank you for our new padded pews which allows certain congregation member to catch up on their sleep during my sermon!”


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