Word to the Wise:
“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
“Dad, I think the Smiths next door are angry at us.”
“Why is that?”
“They’re probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can’t.”
“How could you possibly know that? We don’t even subscribe to the paper.”
“Yeah, that’s probably got something to do with it, too.”
“If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,” said Tracy, the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.”
“Good, what are we having for breakfast?” asked Dewey, the new husband.
“Toast and juice,” Tracy replied.
The Growth Committee at the Pine Creek Church was severely misdirected.
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him.
His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.”
“I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since,” replied Jack.
“That must be expensive,” Bob replied.
“He charges $5,000 a month,” Jack told him.
“$5,000!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob.
“I don’t know. That’s his worry.”
We took the kids to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 10-year-old granddaughter Kaitlyn staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth.
Kaitlyn looked puzzled. “She doesn’t know who Superman is?” I whispered to Jenny.
“Worse,” Jenny replied. “She doesn’t know what a phone booth is.”
The awkward moment at church when you go for a handshake… and they go for a hug.
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London, the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”
Next, they passed the House of Parliament – started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
“Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”
As they passed Westminster Abbey, the cab driver was silent.
“Whoa! What’s that over there?” asked the Texan.
The driver replied, “I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.”
Johnny: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
Teacher: “Why, of course not.”
Johnny: “Good, ’cause I didn’t do my homework.”
The church board members knew the importance of unwinding after a high-pressured meeting.