Word To The Wise
“If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has.”
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”
“Sure it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
A nursery school teacher was delivering a minivan full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
The world’s first book club.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
– The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
– The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
– The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
– The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:
– The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
– The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.
– Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.
– Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, “I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
A little girl was in the kitchen watching her mother prepare for the following day’s Christmas dinner.
She asked, “Mommy, can I please have a cat for Christmas?”
Her mommy replied, “No, you’ll have turkey like the rest of us.”
“I’m new on the finance committee… is it true that the pastor hasn’t had a raise in three years?”
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.
“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in his side. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
“What are you doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
A husband and wife are getting ready for church. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know, love,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, I’ve gained a bunch of weight and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, “Well . . . there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
As husband comes in from the garage scowling, his wife asks, “What’s wrong?”
He replied, “I lost something. I distinctly remember that I had put it somewhere safe in the garage.”
She asked, “How many safe places are there in the garage?”
“Clearly one more than I can remember.”
“If you think their marriage will last, sit on the right side. If you think it’s a mistake sit on the left.”