Word To The Wise:
“If some people said what they thought, they’d be speechless.”
The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, “Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?”
“No champ, I never did.”
“That’s a good thing.”
“You’re telling me,” said grandpa, “I was the cook!”
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive; I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”
The long-awaited Q&A session with Moses begins in heaven.
TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD ON THE ARK
10. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?
9. “Hey, there are more than two flies in here!”
8. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”
7. “Okay, who’s the wise guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?!”
6. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!”
5. “Don’t make me pull this ark over and come back there!”
4. “No, Ham, you cannot eat the pig!”
3. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.”
2. “Nice doggie…”
1. “Are we there yet?”
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered, “Call for backup.”
A husband and wife are getting ready for church. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know, love,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, I’ve gained a bunch of weight and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, “Well…there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
A fellow decided to buy his wife some perfume for their anniversary, so he went to the cosmetic counter at her favorite store. The prices were horrific! No matter what the saleslady showed him, even the tiniest bottles were beyond his budget.
Finally, he asked her: “Can you show me something really cheap?”
She handed him a mirror.
Interviewer: “You have no experience in this field – and yet you’re asking
for a rather high salary.”
Applicant: “Yes, work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re
Interviewer: “Interesting answer. We just happen to have an opening for people like you.”
“Oh, great,” the man said, “What is it?”
“It’s called the door.”
“In conclusion, church that sold only frito boats lost members but church that sold peanut brittle saw substantial growth. So, congratulations, we’re going to sell the brittle again.”