Word To the Wise:

“Love is blind, and marriage is an eye-opener.”

—–

A hunting party, hopelessly lost in the mountains, blamed their guide for leading them astray.

“You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!” they cried.

“I am,” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”

—–

Dentist: “Just try to relax. I’ll have your aching tooth out in five minutes.”

Patient: “How much will this cost me?”

Dentist: “It’ll be $1,000.”

Patient: “That much for just five minutes of work?”

Dentist: “Well, if you prefer, I could pull it out very slowly.”

—–

Noah makes a costly mistake.

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THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

 

ANTICIPATION: “Just wait until your father gets home.”

RECEIVING: “You are going to get it when we get home!”

LOGIC: “Because I said so, that’s why.”

“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

MEDICAL SCIENCE: “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

THINK AHEAD: “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

HUMOR: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

BECOME AN ADULT: “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

SEX: “How do you think you got here?”

FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

ROOTS: “Do you think you were born in a barn?”

—–

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, “What is the quickest way to the lake?”

The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist.

“I’m driving.”

“That’s the quickest way.”

—–

“Okay, let’s see here… Gina Vurkle… WHOA! THREE unpaid parking tickets?! No getting in here until those are cleared up!”

—–

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was almost asleep when his wife started reflecting on all the love they had shared. The old gentleman was almost asleep when she nudged him and said, “Honey, do you remember how we used to hug?”

The old gentleman replied, “Yes, dear,” and rolled over and gave her a big hug.

Then he was almost asleep again when she nudged him and said, “Honey, do you remember how we used to kiss?”

“Yes, dear,” and he rolled over and gave her a big kiss.

He was almost asleep for a third time when she nudged him and said, “Honey, do you remember how you used to nibble on my ear?”

The old guy threw off the covers in frustration, sat up in bed, and got up. The wife said, “What are you doing?” In an exasperated tone, he said, “I’m going to go get my teeth.”

—–

Judge: “What good have you ever done for society?”

Robber: “Well, I’ve kept four or five detectives working regularly.”

—–

Moses once again takes on the Pharaoh’s magicians.

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