Word To The Wise:

“A classic is a book that is much praised, rarely read.”

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A traveler got to the airline counter and presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she asked, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”

The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

“Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”

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While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.

“Have you ever broken a bone?” he asked.

“Yes,” the girl replied.

“Did it hurt?”

“No.”

“Really? Which bone did you break?”

“My sister’s arm.”

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A man was walking through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old woman sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The thirsty man asked, “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”

The woman replied, “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your outfit.”

The man shouted, “I don’t want a tie; I need water!”

“Okay, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice person I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles away, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they’ll give you all the water you want.”

The dehydrated soul thanked the woman and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later, he returned crawling back to where the woman was still sitting behind her card table.

She said, “I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”

The man rasped, “I found it all right. They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”

 

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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A BAD COOK WHEN… 

– You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

– You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

– Your dog goes to the neighbors’ house to eat.

– When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

– You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

– Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

– Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can’t tell which is which.

– You’ve used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won’t let go of the pan.

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“I’m sorry you didn’t like my sermon Sunday, but I really didn’t care for your snoring either!”

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