Word To The Wise:

“Success is when you look back at your life, and the memories make you smile.”

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A customer called his car rental company and said he needed a tow. The driver named the highway where he was stranded — but he didn’t know the make of the car he was driving.

The representative asked for a more detailed description beyond “a blue four-door.”

After a pause, the driver replied: “It’s the one on fire.”

 

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My mother works in a laboratory and is responsible for keeping tissue cultures alive. So that she won’t forget, she wrote “feed cells” on her calendar. One day she noticed that someone had scribbled in “take cells for a walk.”

By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been added: “Take cells to Disneyland,” “Cells on vacation,” “Cells back” and, on Yom Kippur, “Jewish cells get the day off.”

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Moses waters his daisies…

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SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS

~ A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

~ A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

~ Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

~ A clean kitchen is a sign of a misspent life.

~ Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.

~ Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

~ My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.

 

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Tax Time

It’s been suggested that the IRS post signs in its tax offices that read: “In God We Trust. Everyone else is subject to an audit.”

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“… and the church unity workshop has been postponed until the deacons can agree on the date, time and color of the participants name tags.”

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ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER

 

~ Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

~ A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

~ Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

~ Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

~ It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

~ You can’t unsay a cruel word.

~ Every path has a few puddles.

~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.

~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

~ Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

~ Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

~ The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

~ If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.

 

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After 29 years of service, church secretary Marge Feldern hands the reins over to Ellen Fetz.

 

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