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Smiles – September 2015

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“The greatest of all faults is to imagine you have none.”

* * * * *

Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day.

“Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag,” replied Tony.

“That was very kind of you,” Johnny added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.”

Tony smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”

* * * * *

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church.

Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Pastor asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”

The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Pastor,” he whispered, “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”

* * * * *

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“Perhaps no one told you, Pastor, but it’s been a long-standing tradition around here that after the election of a new pastor, he takes the whole church out to lunch. How does Ruth’s Chris Steak House sound?”

* * * * *

These are actual comments made by police officers taken off their car videos:

~ “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

~ “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

~ “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

~ “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

~ “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

~ “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you *another* ticket.”

~ “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

~ “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

~ “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

* * * * *

"My Sunday School class wants to know if they may be excused from the preaching service for good behavior."
“My Sunday School class wants to know if they may be excused from the preaching service for good behavior.”

* * * * *

A tourist browsing a curio shop in San Francisco saw a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it.

He asked the shop owner: “How much for the bronze rat?”

The reply: “Twenty dollars for the rat, two hundred dollars for the story.”

The tourist gave the man twenty dollars and said, “I’ll take the rat, you can keep the story.”

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed a few real rats crawling out of the alleys and sewers and following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they started squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay. Glancing backward, he saw that the rats now numbered in the thousands, and were squealing and snarling and coming toward him faster and faster!

Terrified, he sprinted to the edge of the Bay and hurled the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of rats rushed past him and jumped into the Bay after it, and all were drowned!

The man ran back to the curio shop. “Aha,” said the shop owner, “You have come back for the story!”

“No,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?”

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