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Smiles – August 2016

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Common Sense is not trying.


A large, two-engine train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down.

“No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere.

The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped and, always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

“The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive.

“The good news is that you didn’t take this trip in a plane!”


As he visited the restroom before coming out to speak, Pastor Dale forgot that his lapel mic was on.


A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.

Teacher: “What is this?”

Kid: “It’s a drawing of a cow eating grass.”

“Where’s the grass?”

“The cow ate all of it.”

“Then, where’s the cow?”

“It left because there was no more grass.”


A teacher’s first graders were examining and discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had different hair color than the other members. One of the students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, “I know all about adoption; I was adopted.”

“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child.

“It means,” said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.”


Pastor liked to tease Bro. Jacob, who sometimes missed church. After church one Sunday he said, “Bro. Jacob, I dreamed last night I died and went to heaven. I looked and looked and you were not there.”

Bro. Jacob nodded and replied, “Funny you should say that, pastor. I also had a dream last night that I died and went to heaven. The Lord gave me a piece of chalk and said, ‘Go over there and write down all your sins.’ And just at that time I met you leaving. I said, ‘Pastor, what are you doing? Why are you going that way?’ And you said, ‘I’m going to get some more chalk!’”


While “parting the puddles” was not as dramatic as “parting the Red Sea,” Moses enjoyed it nonetheless.


The story is told of a father of five children who came home with a toy.

He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present. “Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?” he inquired.

There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children clamored together: “Okay, you win, Daddy! The toy is yours!”


While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, “You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say, ‘honey?’ Move three feet closer and do it again. Keep moving three feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.

About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, “Well, did you do that experiment with your wife’s hearing?”

The man says, “Yes.”

“How close did you get before she answered?”

“Well, by the time I got about three feet away she just turned around and said, ‘For the FIFTH TIME…WHAT???'”


Wanting to hit the higher notes in the church choir, Vern turned to using helium.

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