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Smiles – August 2017

Word To The Wise

Anybody who’s busy pulling on the oars hasn’t got time to rock the boat.


Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she pulled out a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement and announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length.”


While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison choir would be singing the following evening. I wasn’t aware there was a prison in the vicinity, and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

“This is our prison choir,” he said, “behind a few bars and always looking for the key.”




“This isn’t what I had in mind when I suggested that you make some money for the youth group.”


Jill’s car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls…

John: “What happened this time?”

Jill: “My brakes went out. Can you come get me?”

John: “Where are you?”

Jill: “I’m in the drugstore.”

John: “And where’s the car?”

Jill: “It’s in here with me.”



Interviewer: “Tell me, Miss Cromwell, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?”

Miss Cromwell: “The living one.”



Our 10-year-old Mattie had a conversation with her grandmother while eating breakfast:

Mattie: “Nanna, I’m a fat old man.”

Grandmother: “Mattie! What did you say?”

Mattie: “I’m a fat old man.”

Grandmother: “Now, Mattie, why would you say something like that?”

Mattie: “Well, everybody says I look just like my daddy.”



Reasons for Tithing/New Stewardship Drive

  1. The last few Sundays the treasurer has gotten up halfway through the service and turned off the heat/air conditioning.
  2. The preacher’s wife has worn the same dress now every Sunday for the past two years.
  3. You can’t call the church office because the phone has been disconnected.
  4. The offering plates have been sold and replaced with popcorn buckets.
  5. The ushers are beginning to drool and growl as they collect the offering.
  6. The treasurer has started wearing sackcloth and ashes.
  7. Parking meters have been installed in the church parking lot.
  8. There’s no money for new choir robes, so the choir has resorted to wearing their bath robes.





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