Word To The Wise:
“People seldom thing alike until it comes to buying wedding presents.”
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning …”
“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth . . .”
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. “Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.
“It’s designed to adjust the child to live in today’s world, ma’am,” the shop assistant replied. “So basically, any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your car, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”
Studying the machine, the weary pastor said, “Fine. I’ll take two.”
“Your methods of farming are out-of-date,” said an agricultural student to an old farmer. “I’d be surprised if you got eight pounds of oranges off that tree.”
“So would I,” said the old farmer. “That’s a pear tree.”
Wife: “Honey, I can’t get the car started. I think it’s flooded.”
Husband: “Where is it?”
Wife: “In the swimming pool.”
“Relax, Carl… would I be in here if it was boiling?”
First member: “I thought the sermon was divine. It reminded me of the peace of God. It passed all understanding.”
Second member: “It reminded me of the mercies of God. I thought it would endure forever.”
Things Only a Mom Can Teach (Part 2)
GENETICS: “You’re just like your father.”
WISDOM OF AGE: “When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
JUSTICE: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like.”
RELIGION: “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
TIME TRAVEL: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
IRONY: “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
OSMOSIS: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
STAMINA: “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is finished.”
WEATHER: “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
HYPOCRISY: “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – don’t Exaggerate!”
“I want God to heal my husband’s selective hearing!”