Word To The Wise:

“People go on vacation to forget things. Then they open their bags and find that they did.”

 

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A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a few minutes and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”

The plumber grinned, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

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Nervous Energy

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and — noticing her long, groomed nails — asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toenails so I bite them instead.”

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“Forgive us our debts as we forgive those who call to harass us about our debts.”

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A New Year Prayer for the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

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Two friends drove by a gas station.

The first one says, “These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!”

The second replies, “It doesn’t affect me at all. I always put in just $20 worth.”

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What They Do:

~ A programmer solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

~ An auditor arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

~ A banker hands you their umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

~ An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

~ A statistician is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

~ A mathematician is a blind person in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there.

~ A lawyer writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.”

~ A psychologist watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

~ A professor talks in someone else’s sleep.

~ A consultant takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

~ A diplomat can tell you to go to Antarctica in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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“I asked God to let me see you the way He sees you. So… speaking for both of us… KNOCK IT OFF!”

 

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