Words to the Wise

“After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint…you’re probably dead”

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A married couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary in a church social hall. The wife was smiling, but the husband had tears in his eyes. The wife asked the husband why he was crying.

The husband replied: “Fifty years ago today, your daddy put a shotgun to my head, and said that if I didn’t marry you, he’d put me in jail for the next 50 years. If I had listened to him, I’d be a free man tomorrow.”

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.

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My wife and I were at the beach, I said, “You know, I;m 56. I’m middle aged!”

She said: “How many men do you know over 112?”

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I am 38 years old and I have so many unanswered questions…

I still haven’t found out who let the dogs out … where’s the beef … how to get to Sesame Street … why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps … why all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same … how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop … why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton.

I still don’t understand why there is braille on drive-up ATM’s or why “abbreviated” is such a long word, or why there is a D in “fridge” but not in refrigerator …

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons … why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections …

And, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts?”

Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune … why did you just try to sing those two previous songs … and what would you do for a Klondike bar – you know as soon as you bite into it, it falls apart. And why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

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During a lively game of pick-up basketball, Peter denies Jesus three times.

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Rules to Enter Kansas

  1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
  2. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
  3. They are cattle and feed lots. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
  4. So, you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $200,000 combines that are driven only three weeks a year.
  5. So every person in every pickup truck waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
  6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of pheasants are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
  7. Yeah, we eat catfish and mountain oysters. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
  8. The “opener” refers to the first day of pheasant season. It’s a state holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
  9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
  10. Anhydrous ammonia is used as a fertilizer. Let us catch you trying to “cook” something with it, and we will “cook” your goose for good!

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An atheist flea.

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