Words to the Wise
“After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint…you’re probably dead”
A married couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary in a church social hall. The wife was smiling, but the husband had tears in his eyes. The wife asked the husband why he was crying.
The husband replied: “Fifty years ago today, your daddy put a shotgun to my head, and said that if I didn’t marry you, he’d put me in jail for the next 50 years. If I had listened to him, I’d be a free man tomorrow.”
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.
My wife and I were at the beach, I said, “You know, I;m 56. I’m middle aged!”
She said: “How many men do you know over 112?”
I am 38 years old and I have so many unanswered questions…
I still haven’t found out who let the dogs out … where’s the beef … how to get to Sesame Street … why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps … why all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same … how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop … why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton.
I still don’t understand why there is braille on drive-up ATM’s or why “abbreviated” is such a long word, or why there is a D in “fridge” but not in refrigerator …
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons … why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections …
And, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts?”
Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune … why did you just try to sing those two previous songs … and what would you do for a Klondike bar – you know as soon as you bite into it, it falls apart. And why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
During a lively game of pick-up basketball, Peter denies Jesus three times.
Rules to Enter Kansas
- Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
- Let’s get this straight: it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
- They are cattle and feed lots. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
- So, you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $200,000 combines that are driven only three weeks a year.
- So every person in every pickup truck waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
- If that cell phone rings while a bunch of pheasants are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
- Yeah, we eat catfish and mountain oysters. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
- The “opener” refers to the first day of pheasant season. It’s a state holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
- We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
- Anhydrous ammonia is used as a fertilizer. Let us catch you trying to “cook” something with it, and we will “cook” your goose for good!
An atheist flea.