Word To The Wise

“Whenever you think you would like to go back to your teenage years, think of Algebra.”

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A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.

That night the pastor’s phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, “Pastor, I can’t sleep.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” he comforted her. “But what can I do about it?”

She sweetly replied, “Preach to me a while, pastor.”

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A girl asks her father, “Why does it rain? Is it God crying?”

“No,” says her father. “It rains to make the plants grow. Do you understand?”

“Not exactly,” says the girl. “Why does it rain on the sidewalk?”

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Moses’ mom.

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One evening, a bird-lover stood in his backyard and hooted like an owl — and an owl called back to him! They had a whole “conversation.”

He tried it again the next night, and the next — and the owl always answered. He was fascinated.

Sometime later his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,” she said.

“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”

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Good news: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.

Bad news: You were on vacation.

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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. “How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

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How Do You Get to Heaven?

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“No!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “No!”

By now, I was starting to smile. “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved by my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “No!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”

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The first Daniel Fast.

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