“Laughter is good medicine. It’s like jogging on the inside.”
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My high school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard grader.
One day I received a B minus on an essay. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the Valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.”
The following day, I received in return a Valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”
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A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots out the restaurant’s windows.
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my windows out, and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the owner, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin. Eats shoots and leaves.”
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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent a few minutes polishing the apple and sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent a few minutes polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month and by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $6.40. Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
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A guy goes into the doctor’s office. He has a banana stuck in one ear, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot up his nose.
The guy says, “Doc, I feel terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you’re not eating right.”
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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN FOR A LONG SERMON
- There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
- The pews have camper hookups.
- You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra CDs on hand to record today’s sermon.
- The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
- The preacher breaks for an intermission.
- The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
- When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
- The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
- Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
- The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the 4th of July fireworks” but it’s only May!
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I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me “son.”
I said, “Why do you keep calling me ‘son’? You’re not my father.”
He said, “I brought you up, didn’t I?”
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