Word To The Wise:
“People go on vacation to forget things. Then they open their bags and find that they did.”
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A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a few minutes and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”
The plumber grinned, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
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Nervous Energy
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
One day her friend stopped her and — noticing her long, groomed nails — asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toenails so I bite them instead.”
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“Forgive us our debts as we forgive those who call to harass us about our debts.”
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A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Two friends drove by a gas station.
The first one says, “These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!”
The second replies, “It doesn’t affect me at all. I always put in just $20 worth.”
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What They Do:
~ A programmer solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
~ An auditor arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
~ A banker hands you their umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
~ An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.
~ A statistician is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
~ A mathematician is a blind person in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there.
~ A lawyer writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.”
~ A psychologist watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
~ A professor talks in someone else’s sleep.
~ A consultant takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
~ A diplomat can tell you to go to Antarctica in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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“I asked God to let me see you the way He sees you. So… speaking for both of us… KNOCK IT OFF!”