If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has.
Lessons Learned During Extended Power Outage
* Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.
* No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don’t work without electricity.
* He who has the biggest generator wins.
* The internet is an addiction and withdrawals can be painful.
* There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people realize.
* Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.
* Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
* Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the batteries remain charged.
* A store that sold only ice, chainsaws, gas and generators would make serious money.
* I can walk a lot farther than I thought.
A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back.
The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions: a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow, lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going!”
“Why not?” she asked.
“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: one, you’re 59 years old, and two, you’re the pastor!”
A priest and a politician both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them.
He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says, “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true, guaranteed.”
The priest says, “Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!”
St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the politician. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says, “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.”
The politician looks and St. Peter and says, “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but shouldn’t the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn’t I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?”
St. Peter just laughs and says, “The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you got elected, people cried out to God for help.”
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really?” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Oh, no problem. It’s 2:33.”