~ Every year Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance Sale.
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.
He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA online. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”
“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “I just got out of prison.”
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you are always cheerful,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you are understanding when your loved ones are too busy for you,
If you never treat a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you face the world without lies and deceit,
then you are probably the family dog!
One night a burglar, needing money to pay his taxes, decided to steal from a safe in a mom and pop grocery store.
On the safe door was a note that read, “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the handle.” He was quite pleased with this turn of events so he followed the instructions.
Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire store was floodlighted, and alarms started sounding. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: “My confidence in human nature has been terribly shaken.”
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah, excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”
A young soldier was up before his commanding officer for a reprimand.
After going through a list of his misdemeanors, the commanding officer says, “And another thing, I didn’t see you in camouflage practice this morning.”
“Thank you, Sir,” the soldier replied.
After a worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “If you don’t be quiet, Pastor is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!”
Who was the most successful physician in the Bible?
Job. He had the most patience.
Who was the best financier in the Bible?
Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
Who is the straightest man in the Bible?
Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.